I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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