You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
