Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
