Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
