so explain again why im purple
no
Michael Bay diarrhea
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
