She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
