I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
