I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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