Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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