Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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