rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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