broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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