dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
