i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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