I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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