This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
