Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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