i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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