I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Randomize
