I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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