Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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