I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
