I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
where are you?
Hypothermia
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
