Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
