What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it because I queefed?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up under a house in Key West
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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