I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
