Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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