3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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