Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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