went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
