I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
