On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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