Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
