well I can't set my house on fire every night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
