If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am one with the molecules
how drunk are you?
Several
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
