Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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