My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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