Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
