If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize