Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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