I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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