Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
