Who wears a wallet chain?!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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