EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
