Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
