Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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