dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The air was thick with penises
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
