woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
