You can't special order awesome
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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