For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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